There are a lot of layers to what families are experiencing through the pandemic, with varying degrees of seriousness. From a shortage of toilet paper to the death of a loved one, the novel coronavirus has impacted our lives in ways we could never have imagined. And while much of our pain at the moment seems to be coming from things we can’t control, there is one particular experience causing tension in our lives that we can actually name and have some influence over: the stress of change.
Over time, most couples figure out how to coexist from day to day without too much conflict over the small stuff. You have learned how to balance your needs with your partner’s needs. There is a rhythm to your lives that is so practiced that it flows effortlessly. You know they need to get out of the house early to beat the traffic. They know you need time to unwind when you get home from work. You pack the lunches, they pack the bookbags. You grocery shop, they cook, you both do the dishes. There are a million nuances of the day that you have already worked out as a couple to help your days run smoothly and relatively conflict-free.
Then COVID-19 came along and blew the whole thing to pieces. No more sending the kids off to school, no more alone time on your commute, no more going out for dinner because you didn’t feel like cooking. No more built-in breaks from the kids or from each other. No more quick stops at the grocery store, no more hard-stop to the work day. Practically every bit of the external structure of our lives just collapsed over night. The things we didn’t know were keeping us in balance are gone and resources that we didn’t realize we depended on have vanished. The demands on us and on our relationships have changed and the roles and responsibilities that we had perfected don’t exist anymore.
That is a LOT of change to deal with all at once, and for most people, CHANGE = STRESS. When our level of stress exceeds our capacity to cope, it’s usually not very pretty. We have to put more thought and energy into what we’re doing, which is exhausting. When things don’t come easily, they take longer and are frustrating. We’re overwhelmed with new problems to solve and have fewer resources to solve them. We become impatient, demanding, and self-focused. We want relief and we want it now, and we expect our partner to give it to us. Except that our partner is in the next room thinking the same thing.
If you’ve been stewing, complaining, whining, pouting, or yelling to deal with your stress—stop. Take a deep breath and understand what’s happening. Your partner is likely experiencing the same amount of stress that you are and your stress is not because of each other; it’s because so much change is happening so quickly.
Your partner can be your biggest ally, and, depending on your circumstances, may be one of the only resources you have right now. Your ability to see your partner as your teammate instead of the problem is critical for determining how well you will fair through this crazy time.
To get the ball rolling in a new direction, you need to sit down together and have a candid, authentic conversation about how you’re both experiencing your current circumstances. Be sure to empathize with what your partner has to say, as well as clearly express your own needs. As you’re talking, listen for assumptions and expectations that may be contributing to growing resentments. Wrap the conversation up by negotiating a new family structure that meets as many needs as possible. Here’s a little more detail to help guide the conversation.
Empathize with your partner.
Shift your perspective from seeing your partner as someone who can resolve your stress to someone who has their own stress. Be curious about how they are being affected by all the changes going on. What stressors are they experiencing? What are they worried about? What is overwhelming them? What do they need today that they didn’t need before when life was business as usual? You’ll be much better positioned to work as a team if you’re thinking about what your partner needs in addition to what you need.
Share your needs.
Be prepared to describe your stressors to your partner and ask for what you need. It’s not reasonable to expect them to know these things if you haven’t told them. Do you need to work a little more after dinner since you took a lunch break? Do you need a 30-minute break from the kids during the day? Do you need your partner to trade off cooking duties with you? Do you need predictable times that you can schedule conference calls? Do you need a night for a virtual get-together with friends? There are no rules here. We’ve never experienced times like these and there is certainly no prescription for dealing with it. If you think of something that might help you, throw it out there for discussion.
Recognize assumptions and expectations.
As your lives have changed, you have likely made some assumptions and developed some new expectations without even realizing it. For example, if your partner is working from home now, what expectations do you have about that? Can they spend business hours working uninterruptedly like at the office, or do you expect help with the kids during the day? Or maybe you’re both working parents and now you have to homeschool your kids. Whose responsibility is that? Do you share it or did you just assume one of you would take care of it? Expectations and assumptions are the root of many resentments, so you can resolve a lot of tension in the relationship just by naming these things and talking about them.
Negotiate a new structure.
Remember, many of the things that create structure in our world just upped and vanished one day. If we want to regain any sort of predictability and sanity in our life, we have to create our own structure. After having a good discussion with your partner about both of your needs, start to figure out how to structure the days and weeks to meet as many those needs as possible. You may have to prioritize and compromise, like in any good negotiation, but the end result is likely to work much better for your life right now than trying to do things the old way.
Try out the new plan and be open to revisiting the conversation to discuss what’s working and what isn’t. If you continue to stay focused on working as a team to reduce stress, you’re less likely to experience the resentments and disconnection that come from seeing your partner as the problem.