The Basics of Boundaries

The Basics of Boundaries

The holidays are quickly approaching, full of extra to-dos, social demands and family visits. If you feel your anxiety rising just thinking about it, then now might be a good time to brush up on boundaries. Having healthy boundaries can make all the difference in how much joy you experience this holiday season, as well as during the rest of the year.

What is a boundary?

A boundary is “where I end and someone else begins” (Cloud & Townsend, 1992). It refers to the edge of who you are and who you are not. If you’re new to the idea of boundaries, let that sink in for a minute. You end. You have limits. You cannot be all things to all people. You absolutely can and should say no to things. And that edge between who you are and who you are not is what’s referred to as a boundary.

Think of a boundary as having two parts. To have boundaries, you need to first know yourself. Notice your attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and choices. What do you like? What do you value? How do you feel? What gives you energy? What drains you? What are you willing to do or not do?

Once you know yourself on the inside, you can communicate who you are and who you are not to someone on the outside. And there’s a lot of different ways you can do that. You can:

1. Use words to tell someone directly what you’re thinking and feeling.
2. Use body language or other behaviors to communicate a message.
3. Create emotional distance when someone feels unsafe to you.
4. Use physical distance to create relational space when necessary.

Whichever way you choose, it’s your communication, intended to align your internal limits with your outside life, that is referred to as “setting a boundary.” In actuality, though, you’re not really “setting” anything—you’re simply communicating a limit.

Let me give you a quick example. Imagine an acquaintance invites you to a holiday party on the one weekend night you have free in December. You feel badly saying no, but that was the night that you planned to wrap gifts; if you don’t wrap that night, you’re not sure when you’ll get it done. Now you’ve got a dilemma.

What is most important to you? What do you value? Are you going to feel better if you go to the party or if you get your wrapping done? There’s no right answer; the answer depends on who you are and your ability to align your life on the outside with what’s happening on the inside. In this case, you communicate your limit by saying, “Sounds fun, but I’m not going to be able to make it this time. Hope to see you next time!” And then breathe a sigh of relief because you chose what is most important to you.

Why do boundaries matter?

Communicating your boundaries is important for several reasons.

First, good boundaries provide the foundation for a healthy relationship.

In a healthy relationship, two people work to master the delicate balance of you, me, and we; all three are vital. For example’s sake, let’s say you and I are in relationship. In order for there to be a we, there has to first be a you and a me. You and I are separate. You and I are different. You and I each have the capacity for wholeness within us. When you and I choose to be a we, that doesn’t change; there should still be a you and a me and a sense of ourselves as individuals with limits. Boundaries, then, are the expression of those limits to the other person.

When we talk about boundaries, we are almost always talking about the dynamics between two people; however, boundaries are also important for having a healthy relationship with yourself. In order to have good boundaries, you need to know yourself. You have to be paying attention to your thoughts and feelings and take ownership of the impact your choices have on your life. Making choices that are consistent with who you are on the inside is a way of loving, honoring, and respecting yourself. This dynamic isn’t talked about a lot, but it is so important for our well-being and the health of any other relationship we have.

Secondly, boundaries help you clarify what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for, so that you know where to spend your energy.

You cannot be responsible for something that you have no control over, and you only have control over things that you have ownership of—things that are within your boundaries. So let’s take a look at the things you are responsible for (Cloud & Townsend, 1992):

1. Your Body

Your body is yours to care for and protect. You get to decide who interacts with your body and how. If you have been physically or sexually abused, your sense of ownership over your body can become distorted.

2. Attitudes/beliefs

Attitudes and beliefs subconsciously influence and motivate you. You are responsible for identifying your underlying beliefs, recognizing when they are outdated or causing harm, and updating them to reflect a more mature perspective.

3. Thoughts

Your thoughts impact how you feel and how you behave. Negative thinking can take a toll on your health and on your relationships. It is your responsibility to take ownership of your thought life, healing distortions where they exist, so that you can live a healthier, fuller life.

4. Feelings

Feelings play a significant role in the behaviors we choose. The phrase “you made me feel…” is widely used and wholly inaccurate. No one makes you feel anything. Feelings emerge from inside of us as a result of our experiences and beliefs. You own them and can learn to manage them.

5. Behaviors

Just like feelings, behaviors are not “caused” by another person; no one makes you do anything. You have the ability to choose what you do, regardless of what you are thinking or feeling. You are responsible for reducing your reactivity and learning how to respond with intentionality.

6. Choices

You are constantly making choices that impact the quality of your life. It feels good to reap the benefits of good choices, but maturity is also owning the consequences of poor choices. Taking ownership of our choices and their consequences empowers us to influence the direction of our lives.

7. Values

Your values are the things that are most important to you and, when healthy, bring meaning and purpose to your life. The choices you make every day are a reflection of your true values. Take responsibility for what those choices are saying about your values and make adjustments if needed.

8. Limits

Sometimes we need to say no to others and to ourselves. You are responsible for limiting your exposure to people who are behaving poorly or who are harmful to you in some way. Likewise, it’s up to you to set limits on yourself as well to keep you healthy.

9. Desires

You were created with desires in your heart that are good and healthy: to be heard and understood, affirmed, loved, safe, touched, chosen, and included. (Laser & Laser, 2008). We are responsible for getting those needs met in healthy, relational ways.

10. Love

You are responsible for both your ability to give love and to receive love. While you might be better at one than the other, both are necessary for building and maintaining a healthy relationship.

That’s it. Those are the only things that we have control over, so those are the only things that we can be responsible for. If you feel frustrated a lot in your relationship, you’re probably focusing too much of your time and energy on things you have no control over.

Sometimes we mistakenly believe that we have control over something or someone, when actually we only have influence. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Yes, technically you can use influence to control, but that’s called coercion and probably isn’t great for your relationship. Boundaries aren’t about trying to control someone else; they’re about protecting you.

For example, saying, “You can’t talk to me that way!” is not a boundary. The other person actually can talk that way and you have no control over that. But you don’t have to listen. THAT’S the boundary: protecting yourself by refusing to listen to someone who isn’t talking to you respectfully. You do have control over that. And you can demonstrate this boundary by ending a phone call, walking away, or asking for something to be restated in a more respectful tone.

Remember, you can only be responsible for things you have control over. Read through the list above again and compare it to the things you feel responsible for. If there’s something you feel responsible for that isn’t on this list, I have good news for you: you can set it down, along with everything else you’ve been carrying that is not yours to carry.

Lastly, boundaries matter because they help protect us and maintain our health. Healthy boundaries protect us from emotional and physical stress by empowering us to set limits on harmful or abusive behaviors.

Repeatedly subjecting ourselves to the emotional stress of unhealthy relationships creates fertile ground for mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders, and panic disorders. Emotional stress and trauma have also been linked to physical issues, such as somatic complaints, sleep disturbances, gastrointestinal issues, cardiovascular issues, dermatological disorders, and others.

Knowing your boundaries and learning to live in a way that is congruent with them is a relatively simple way to reduce physical and emotional stress on your body. And although simple doesn’t always mean easy, having good boundaries is something that is totally within your control and can create a sense of empowerment that you can take with you into any situation – even those holiday family get-togethers.

Where can I learn more?

This article provides a brief overview of boundaries, but there are a lot of other resources available to help you deepen your understanding. I’ve listed a few of my favorites here for you:

Books*

Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Safe People by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith
*As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small amount if you purchase a book using one of these links

Videos

Daring to Set Boundaries – Shelley Watson presenting at The Exchange | April 2020
Boundaries (Part 2) – Shelley Watson presenting at The Exchange | Nov 2020
A Thanksgiving Miracle – Looking for a laugh? Check out this Saturday Night Live skit!

References
Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries. Zondervan.
Laaser, M. & Laaser, D. (2008). Seven Desires of Every Heart. Zondervan.

Reviewed by:
Lauren Dack, LMFT, LPC
Madelon Edmondson, LPC, CSAT
Hailey Whitley, LPC

Shelter-In-Place Is Killing My Marriage

Shelter-In-Place Is Killing My Marriage

Ever since this shelter-in-place-home-schooling-social-life-on-a-screen fiasco, you may be feeling a bit (or a lot) of tension in your relationship. Maybe things were good or even great at home before all this started, but now you’re feeling frustrated and resentful most of the time. Why does she seem mad at me all the time? Why isn’t he more helpful? What is happening?  Why does it feel like our marriage is falling apart?

There are a lot of layers to what families are experiencing through the pandemic, with varying degrees of seriousness. From a shortage of toilet paper to the death of a loved one, the novel coronavirus has impacted our lives in ways we could never have imagined. And while much of our pain at the moment seems to be coming from things we can’t control, there is one particular experience causing tension in our lives that we can actually name and have some influence over: the stress of change.

Over time, most couples figure out how to coexist from day to day without too much conflict over the small stuff. You have learned how to balance your needs with your partner’s needs. There is a rhythm to your lives that is so practiced that it flows effortlessly. You know they need to get out of the house early to beat the traffic. They know you need time to unwind when you get home from work. You pack the lunches, they pack the bookbags. You grocery shop, they cook, you both do the dishes. There are a million nuances of the day that you have already worked out as a couple to help your days run smoothly and relatively conflict-free.

Then COVID-19 came along and blew the whole thing to pieces. No more sending the kids off to school, no more alone time on your commute, no more going out for dinner because you didn’t feel like cooking. No more built-in breaks from the kids or from each other. No more quick stops at the grocery store, no more hard-stop to the work day. Practically every bit of the external structure of our lives just collapsed over night. The things we didn’t know were keeping us in balance are gone and resources that we didn’t realize we depended on have vanished. The demands on us and on our relationships have changed and the roles and responsibilities that we had perfected don’t exist anymore.

That is a LOT of change to deal with all at once, and for most people, CHANGE = STRESS. When our level of stress exceeds our capacity to cope, it’s usually not very pretty. We have to put more thought and energy into what we’re doing, which is exhausting. When things don’t come easily, they take longer and are frustrating. We’re overwhelmed with new problems to solve and have fewer resources to solve them. We become impatient, demanding, and self-focused. We want relief and we want it now, and we expect our partner to give it to us. Except that our partner is in the next room thinking the same thing.

If you’ve been stewing, complaining, whining, pouting, or yelling to deal with your stress—stop. Take a deep breath and understand what’s happening. Your partner is likely experiencing the same amount of stress that you are and your stress is not because of each other; it’s because so much change is happening so quickly.

Your partner can be your biggest ally, and, depending on your circumstances, may be one of the only resources you have right now. Your ability to see your partner as your teammate instead of the problem is critical for determining how well you will fair through this crazy time.

To get the ball rolling in a new direction, you need to sit down together and have a candid, authentic conversation about how you’re both experiencing your current circumstances. Be sure to empathize with what your partner has to say, as well as clearly express your own needs. As you’re talking, listen for assumptions and expectations that may be contributing to growing resentments. Wrap the conversation up by negotiating a new family structure that meets as many needs as possible. Here’s a little more detail to help guide the conversation.

Empathize with your partner.
Shift your perspective from seeing your partner as someone who can resolve your stress to someone who has their own stress. Be curious about how they are being affected by all the changes going on. What stressors are they experiencing? What are they worried about? What is overwhelming them? What do they need today that they didn’t need before when life was business as usual? You’ll be much better positioned to work as a team if you’re thinking about what your partner needs in addition to what you need.

Share your needs.
Be prepared to describe your stressors to your partner and ask for what you need. It’s not reasonable to expect them to know these things if you haven’t told them. Do you need to work a little more after dinner since you took a lunch break? Do you need a 30-minute break from the kids during the day? Do you need your partner to trade off cooking duties with you? Do you need predictable times that you can schedule conference calls? Do you need a night for a virtual get-together with friends? There are no rules here. We’ve never experienced times like these and there is certainly no prescription for dealing with it. If you think of something that might help you, throw it out there for discussion.

Recognize assumptions and expectations.
As your lives have changed, you have likely made some assumptions and developed some new expectations without even realizing it. For example, if your partner is working from home now, what expectations do you have about that? Can they spend business hours working uninterruptedly like at the office, or do you expect help with the kids during the day? Or maybe you’re both working parents and now you have to homeschool your kids. Whose responsibility is that? Do you share it or did you just assume one of you would take care of it? Expectations and assumptions are the root of many resentments, so you can resolve a lot of tension in the relationship just by naming these things and talking about them.

Negotiate a new structure.
Remember, many of the things that create structure in our world just upped and vanished one day. If we want to regain any sort of predictability and sanity in our life, we have to create our own structure. After having a good discussion with your partner about both of your needs, start to figure out how to structure the days and weeks to meet as many those needs as possible. You may have to prioritize and compromise, like in any good negotiation, but the end result is likely to work much better for your life right now than trying to do things the old way.

Try out the new plan and be open to revisiting the conversation to discuss what’s working and what isn’t. If you continue to stay focused on working as a team to reduce stress, you’re less likely to experience the resentments and disconnection that come from seeing your partner as the problem.