The Basics of Boundaries

The holidays are quickly approaching, full of extra to-dos, social demands and family visits. If you feel your anxiety rising just thinking about it, then now might be a good time to brush up on boundaries. Having healthy boundaries can make all the difference in how much joy you experience this holiday season, as well as during the rest of the year.

What is a boundary?

A boundary is “where I end and someone else begins” (Cloud & Townsend, 1992). It refers to the edge of who you are and who you are not. If you’re new to the idea of boundaries, let that sink in for a minute. You end. You have limits. You cannot be all things to all people. You absolutely can and should say no to things. And that edge between who you are and who you are not is what’s referred to as a boundary.

Think of a boundary as having two parts. To have boundaries, you need to first know yourself. Notice your attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and choices. What do you like? What do you value? How do you feel? What gives you energy? What drains you? What are you willing to do or not do?

Once you know yourself on the inside, you can communicate who you are and who you are not to someone on the outside. And there’s a lot of different ways you can do that. You can:

1. Use words to tell someone directly what you’re thinking and feeling.
2. Use body language or other behaviors to communicate a message.
3. Create emotional distance when someone feels unsafe to you.
4. Use physical distance to create relational space when necessary.

Whichever way you choose, it’s your communication, intended to align your internal limits with your outside life, that is referred to as “setting a boundary.” In actuality, though, you’re not really “setting” anything—you’re simply communicating a limit.

Let me give you a quick example. Imagine an acquaintance invites you to a holiday party on the one weekend night you have free in December. You feel badly saying no, but that was the night that you planned to wrap gifts; if you don’t wrap that night, you’re not sure when you’ll get it done. Now you’ve got a dilemma.

What is most important to you? What do you value? Are you going to feel better if you go to the party or if you get your wrapping done? There’s no right answer; the answer depends on who you are and your ability to align your life on the outside with what’s happening on the inside. In this case, you communicate your limit by saying, “Sounds fun, but I’m not going to be able to make it this time. Hope to see you next time!” And then breathe a sigh of relief because you chose what is most important to you.

Why do boundaries matter?

Communicating your boundaries is important for several reasons.

First, good boundaries provide the foundation for a healthy relationship.

In a healthy relationship, two people work to master the delicate balance of you, me, and we; all three are vital. For example’s sake, let’s say you and I are in relationship. In order for there to be a we, there has to first be a you and a me. You and I are separate. You and I are different. You and I each have the capacity for wholeness within us. When you and I choose to be a we, that doesn’t change; there should still be a you and a me and a sense of ourselves as individuals with limits. Boundaries, then, are the expression of those limits to the other person.

When we talk about boundaries, we are almost always talking about the dynamics between two people; however, boundaries are also important for having a healthy relationship with yourself. In order to have good boundaries, you need to know yourself. You have to be paying attention to your thoughts and feelings and take ownership of the impact your choices have on your life. Making choices that are consistent with who you are on the inside is a way of loving, honoring, and respecting yourself. This dynamic isn’t talked about a lot, but it is so important for our well-being and the health of any other relationship we have.

Secondly, boundaries help you clarify what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for, so that you know where to spend your energy.

You cannot be responsible for something that you have no control over, and you only have control over things that you have ownership of—things that are within your boundaries. So let’s take a look at the things you are responsible for (Cloud & Townsend, 1992):

1. Your Body

Your body is yours to care for and protect. You get to decide who interacts with your body and how. If you have been physically or sexually abused, your sense of ownership over your body can become distorted.

2. Attitudes/beliefs

Attitudes and beliefs subconsciously influence and motivate you. You are responsible for identifying your underlying beliefs, recognizing when they are outdated or causing harm, and updating them to reflect a more mature perspective.

3. Thoughts

Your thoughts impact how you feel and how you behave. Negative thinking can take a toll on your health and on your relationships. It is your responsibility to take ownership of your thought life, healing distortions where they exist, so that you can live a healthier, fuller life.

4. Feelings

Feelings play a significant role in the behaviors we choose. The phrase “you made me feel…” is widely used and wholly inaccurate. No one makes you feel anything. Feelings emerge from inside of us as a result of our experiences and beliefs. You own them and can learn to manage them.

5. Behaviors

Just like feelings, behaviors are not “caused” by another person; no one makes you do anything. You have the ability to choose what you do, regardless of what you are thinking or feeling. You are responsible for reducing your reactivity and learning how to respond with intentionality.

6. Choices

You are constantly making choices that impact the quality of your life. It feels good to reap the benefits of good choices, but maturity is also owning the consequences of poor choices. Taking ownership of our choices and their consequences empowers us to influence the direction of our lives.

7. Values

Your values are the things that are most important to you and, when healthy, bring meaning and purpose to your life. The choices you make every day are a reflection of your true values. Take responsibility for what those choices are saying about your values and make adjustments if needed.

8. Limits

Sometimes we need to say no to others and to ourselves. You are responsible for limiting your exposure to people who are behaving poorly or who are harmful to you in some way. Likewise, it’s up to you to set limits on yourself as well to keep you healthy.

9. Desires

You were created with desires in your heart that are good and healthy: to be heard and understood, affirmed, loved, safe, touched, chosen, and included. (Laser & Laser, 2008). We are responsible for getting those needs met in healthy, relational ways.

10. Love

You are responsible for both your ability to give love and to receive love. While you might be better at one than the other, both are necessary for building and maintaining a healthy relationship.

That’s it. Those are the only things that we have control over, so those are the only things that we can be responsible for. If you feel frustrated a lot in your relationship, you’re probably focusing too much of your time and energy on things you have no control over.

Sometimes we mistakenly believe that we have control over something or someone, when actually we only have influence. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Yes, technically you can use influence to control, but that’s called coercion and probably isn’t great for your relationship. Boundaries aren’t about trying to control someone else; they’re about protecting you.

For example, saying, “You can’t talk to me that way!” is not a boundary. The other person actually can talk that way and you have no control over that. But you don’t have to listen. THAT’S the boundary: protecting yourself by refusing to listen to someone who isn’t talking to you respectfully. You do have control over that. And you can demonstrate this boundary by ending a phone call, walking away, or asking for something to be restated in a more respectful tone.

Remember, you can only be responsible for things you have control over. Read through the list above again and compare it to the things you feel responsible for. If there’s something you feel responsible for that isn’t on this list, I have good news for you: you can set it down, along with everything else you’ve been carrying that is not yours to carry.

Lastly, boundaries matter because they help protect us and maintain our health. Healthy boundaries protect us from emotional and physical stress by empowering us to set limits on harmful or abusive behaviors.

Repeatedly subjecting ourselves to the emotional stress of unhealthy relationships creates fertile ground for mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders, and panic disorders. Emotional stress and trauma have also been linked to physical issues, such as somatic complaints, sleep disturbances, gastrointestinal issues, cardiovascular issues, dermatological disorders, and others.

Knowing your boundaries and learning to live in a way that is congruent with them is a relatively simple way to reduce physical and emotional stress on your body. And although simple doesn’t always mean easy, having good boundaries is something that is totally within your control and can create a sense of empowerment that you can take with you into any situation – even those holiday family get-togethers.

Where can I learn more?

This article provides a brief overview of boundaries, but there are a lot of other resources available to help you deepen your understanding. I’ve listed a few of my favorites here for you:

Books*

Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Safe People by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith
*As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small amount if you purchase a book using one of these links

Videos

Daring to Set Boundaries – Shelley Watson presenting at The Exchange | April 2020
Boundaries (Part 2) – Shelley Watson presenting at The Exchange | Nov 2020
A Thanksgiving Miracle – Looking for a laugh? Check out this Saturday Night Live skit!